Photo I took in April of two of my goddess sisters- Sarah and Jaimie
What a year 2012 has been! I don't know about you, but I'm completely overwhelmed by the massive internal shifts that have taken place this year. 2012 has been huge for me! Today I did some pretty intense work- taking stock of what actually happened for me this year, and what it meant to me. As many of you know, one of the wonderful things I discovered this year is the absolutely inspired work of Leonie Dawson. Each year, she releases a workbook/calendar (and this year, she released TWO!) for dreaming up and then designing and creating your most gorgeous and vibrant year! When I discovered her 2012 Workbook earlier this year, I filled most of it out (even though the year was nearly halfway over already!) and watched as miracles occurred in my life. Actually, to be more accurate- I witnessed myself creating those miracles I most desired and needed! There is magic in these little things, I tell ya! 

Part of Leonie's wisdom is in the opening section of the workbook- it is devoted to honoring the lessons and magic of the year falling away, discovering what you want to take from it into your new year, and making room for all of the incredible, abundant things you will accomplish in 2013! Today, I took on the task of filling that section out- getting clear on what happened in 2012 and what it meant for me, letting go of the things that no longer work, choosing what lessons and beauty I will bring with me into 2013, and saying goodbye to what turned out to be a pretty epic year for me! I have to admit, it was so intense to actually look back and process through this momentous year, that afterwards I was exhausted and had to lie down for a while!

Want to know a secret? I was afraid to even begin looking at 2012. In many ways, this year pushed me to the very brink of what I could handle, and was filled with such deep pain and transformation, that I didn't know what I could possibly say about it. At first glance, all I could see was the heartbreak and disappointment and was afraid to look too closely at it. But I picked up my pen and got to work on it, and I found that the more I wrote about it, the more everything about the year (including and especially the pain!) felt very very inspired and purposeful. I finally started to see how everything connected- how the moments that cleaved me in two prepared me for the great work of this year- rediscovering and recreating who I was. The dark moments created the opportunities for the greatest light, and the things that I treasure most about this year would not have been possible if I hadn't been broken first. It very much reminded me of the lessons I learned during the Kali meditation I wrote about in August! The process was eye- and heart-opening, exhausting, and so deeply powerful. The only thing left to do now is to tell you all about it!

2012 was the year that I was broken apart. And 2012 was the year that I rebuilt who I am into someone stronger, more powerful, more inspired, and more vibrant than ever before!

This time a year ago, I was feeling small and stifled and not living with the kind of joy that I deserve. I was struggling. I WAS very much in love and living with my absolute best friend (of 15 years) and twin soul, Eric. I WAS experiencing love and beauty and kindness and sweetness, BUT- and I didn't see this until now- my soul needed so much more in order to feel fulfilled and in line with my purpose! I was happy enough, things were going okay, but I didn't have the room I absolutely needed in order to learn and grow at the rate that was necessary. I felt stagnant. I couldn't put my finger on it yet, but I needed so much more.

I got exactly what I needed. And it DEVASTATED me.

Early in March, my best friend and love ended our romantic relationship. I was crushed. This was someone I'd been in love with on and off for 15 years. This was my best friend in the world, the person I could tell anything to, share everything with, the person I loved seeing first thing in the morning and last thing at night, my partner in crime and the heart of my life. I'd had many dreams for our future. It's always a bit devastating when dreams die. He'd wanted me to continue living with him in the resort city deep in the Utah mountains where lived, but I knew immediately that I needed my own space in order to process through my pain and let go. So I chose instead to move into my parent's (quite spacious) basement- an hour and a half away- and they (quite generously) took me in. I couldn't afford the commute (financially or energetically), so in the move, I ended up losing the job that I'd had. My parents are allergic to some animals, so I had to leave behind my beloved pets. I lost so much during that time- a love, a home, a job, a way of life, a sense of self. I had no idea how to move forward. I was goo.

Jaimie, Sarah, and I in April, 2012
One thing the move did do for me was to bring me closer to my tribe of female friends- my "goddesses"- and THAT was the turning point. As I opened my heart to receive their wisdom and feel that surge of powerful feminine energy in my life, I was transformed. I began to take notice of the things that I most admired and respected in others, and began to find those same qualities in myself! I did everything I could to enhance and build on those things- and thus began the slow and arduous process of recreating who I was! I sought out wise women online and learned all I could think of about how happiness worked for other people- and began experimenting in my own life! I did deep soul work at this time, uprooting belief systems and ideals that were no longer in line with the kind of life that I wanted, letting go of things that no longer worked for me, and digging deep into the heart of me to discover what was truly important in my life. It was intense work, and so worth it, and it would not have been possible had my life not been so drastically altered. I finally had the freedom and the room I needed in order to grow.

Me with Audrie and Maria in April, 2012
And massive changes started taking place! I finally found a new job in my new city, which enabled me to finally join Leonie Dawson's Goddess Circle! This is when I filled out the 2012 workbook and began to plan out the magical things I would create during the rest of the year! I allowed myself to dream big and let the magic of the universe do its part, and together, we co-created an incredible year! I started my blog, and over the months, hundreds of gorgeous souls have visited this site! A good number of my friends and family members have been enormously supportive of this endeavor- leaving comments, offering kind words of guidance, sharing this page with their own friends- it's blown me away. I created an online Facebook group where incredible, strong and wise women gather to offer each other love and support! We now have 120 members! (If you would like to join, please message me on Facebook! I'd love to have you there!) I co-planned and celebrated what we call "Goddess Days" with my local tribe of inspiring women- celebrating the moon cycles and solar sabbats, gathering in ritual, engaging in meditation and song, sharing our hearts and insights as we learned and grew in harmony together! Thank you to Jaimie, Maria, Sarah, Karen, Katia, Delphi, Chandra, Brittanie and ALL the goddesses for sharing these special moments with me! I explored my creative and crafty side, creating (and selling!) cozy knitted and re-usable coffee sleeves, and super-charged magical chakra bracelets, and other cute and useful knick-knacks! I opened my own Etsy Shop where I offer my lovingly created and magically charged wares! Many of the goddesses in my local tribe also create beautiful and meaningful products, and I had the idea to gather all of us together and sell them at our local Pagan Pride Festival in Salt Lake City this summer- and we made it happen! We spent months preparing, and then offered our wares (and tarot readings) to our community! What a powerful accomplishment for us, and one that I learned immensely from. 

JayC and I performing in "Don Juan Casanova"
For those of you who don't know me in person, among the many things I do, I am sometimes an actress. Often a frustrated one, as time and energy restraints often keep me from this beloved "hobby" of mine. But this fall, I was given the opportunity to give an emotional performance in a play written by a friend of mine entitled "Bob Juan Casanova." I had a fantastic time creating this theatrical experience with very dear friends, and actually gave a performance that I feel good about (a rare feat)! I pushed myself, and found that I was capable of more than I'd ever known before! This became true of all aspects of my life, in fact. 

I made new friends with some of the most inspiring and gorgeous souls I've ever met, and spent time cultivating my dear and treasured friendships with people that I've known for years. I read amazing books, listened to amazing music, saw amazing movies and had a blast spending time with my loved ones! I spent quite a bit of time alone as well, getting deeply in touch with my heart and soul's needs. I began taking better care of my body, getting on a healthy sleeping schedule for the first time in my life and starting to learn about the importance of self-care! I explored my spirituality, got in touch with the love and wisdom of my spirit guides, and learned many fascinating and life-changing things... I opened my heart and my mind wide enough to let in miracles, and they came flooding in! Don't get me wrong- the year was intensely challenging and filled with many moments of pain and doubt, moments when I was sure I wasn't going to make it- but then I'd get through it anyway and choose to learn from the pain, and the universe richly rewarded my perseverance.

Me with my very best friend, Eric
And then, when the time came that the things that had been working STOPPED working, and I lost my job, and found myself on the brink of my sanity... I was no longer afraid to let everything go and start all over... AGAIN. And so it was that roughly six months from the time that I moved away, I found myself living once again with my best friend- this time as a platonic support system for each other. We had remained close (15 years of friendship isn't something you just throw away because the romantic aspect of your relationship didn't work out) and through all of the hardships that we'd faced throughout the year, we'd been able to be there for each other. And when things fell apart for me and I felt like I was going crazy and didn't know where to turn, he offered me his home and reminded me that everything was going to be okay. That was a dark time, but his friendship and belief in me was one of my greatest sources of light, until I could find it for myself again. After months of searching unsuccessfully for a job throughout two counties, he helped me find a job nearby within weeks, and I slowly began rebuilding for the second time. And so it's been for the past few months... slow and steady rebuilding. 

At the Winter Solstice, I did a beautiful online ritual with the talented and inspired Sage Goddess and, in meditation, my spirit guides told me that the time for being goo in a chrysallis was over- now is the time for me to step outside into my full power and become the goddess-woman that I'm meant to be, strong enough to share my gifts with and begin to bless the world! 2013 is going to be another epic year for me, and I know already that it will push me to the brink of what I can handle, BUT this time I know going in that I will only discover that I'm so much stronger than I'd ever imagined and that I have the capability to learn from darkness and emerge with more wisdom and compassion- that these are part of my gifts. An excerpt from my 2013 workbook: "I learned that I am truly a goddess with gifts to share and a purpose for being on this earth! I learned deeply the power of positive feminine relationships- how they can heal and inspire! I learned that I can have my heart broken apart and lose my entire sense of self and still live and learn and become even more!" I feel ready now to step forward into a beautiful future and to create my incredible and magical 2013!

To you, dear readers, thank you for being part of this incredible journey that I've been on- through darkness and light, you have been there, offering words of support and encouragement and being my inspiration for sharing this crazy road that i'm on. You have shared your thoughts and your stories with me through comments and messages, and I could not be more honored to share this space with you. Here's to honoring the year that has been- and here's to celebrating the amazing year to come! I hope you'll continue to check in with me to see what comes next, and I hope that you'll share YOUR journey with the rest of us as well! Remember, who you are is a unique and beautiful gift- don't be afraid to shine and share it with the world!

With so much love and good wishes for all of us, and with more gratitude than you will ever know,


PS- If you would like to learn more about the Create Your Incredible Year Workbook and Planners (Life and Business editions!) by the inspired Leonie Dawson, please click here!  You will find pages and pages of gorgeous, inspiring questions that will guide you to create your most vibrant and soulful year yet! (The link I posted is an affiliate link, which means that if her work resonates with you and you feel called to get these books for your own, I will receive a portion of the proceeds- and everyone wins! However, if for some reason affiliate links rub you the wrong way, please instead check out: http://leoniedawson.com/shop/kits/incredible-year-workbook-calendar/ . I'd hate for anyone to miss out on this remarkable opportunity to learn more about yourself and your power to create the life of your dreams! Here's to a gorgeous 2013!



12/29/2012 11:34am

Thank you Lindsay for you brave wise post.

12/30/2012 4:50am

Thank you for sharing this. It's just beautiful. Letting go can be hard, and so important!


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