It's time to be honest. It comes and goes, still. It has not gone away. And still I descend into the Underworld to meet with and learn from Persephone, and still I am a puddle of goo in the midst of a chrysalis.  About a month ago, I sat in the dark of a canyon in the middle of the night with a handful of pills and a knife in my hand, and I thought, "This again?" And I knew I needed a change. Like, desperately. I knew in my soul that if I didn't take immediate action to change everything in my life that wasn't making me happy, I was going to die. 
And so I laid it all down- first the pills and the knife. And then my home and life as I knew it. And then my ideas about what my future would be like. And then my ideas of who I would be, and who I was, and what I meant. Until finally, I wasn't any of those things anymore. I wasn't anything, frankly, but a puddle of unformed goo, waiting to be remade into something new. Something entirely different than I could imagine. Something more free.
I left my car, and nearly all of my belongings. I only took those things I knew I'd need in the next few weeks- my costumes for a play I was in, good walking shoes, toothpaste and such. A few books I'd been making my way through, chakra bracelets I'd been making and selling, my knitting. And I went for an adventure- couch surfing for weeks (at times even staying with people I'd never met), getting rides to performances of the play I was in, walking for hours to apply for jobs, never knowing where I'd land next or if I'd be able to make it through another week, just... going. Never in my life have I felt more stress or anxiety, or felt less grounded or at home in my self. I just kept moving, keeping my eye only on the next step, and then the one after that. Thanks to the generosity and kindness of so many unexpected people, I managed to meet all of my obligations over those weeks- I never missed a performance (even got a couple nice reviews of my acting), I kept selling my bracelets, and I got to the end of that phase without being too scathed. 
Finally, I found a spot to settle for a bit, again, thanks to the generosity of some dear and kind friends. On the couch of my best friend, deep in the mountains, far away from all the things I was looking at, I found a tiny little corner to stay in. I even found a job within about a week, after months of looking in both Utah and Salt Lake Counties. And so I'm adjusting yet again to yet another new life, and a new idea of myself and who I want to be.
Somehow in the midst of all of this change, things so deep in my heart have naturally begun to fall away to make room for new things yet to come. This is exciting. I am creating space to make a life where I can fit more easily and more honestly. A life where I can be exactly who I am and feel good about that. And if there is not yet a corner of the world that I fit into, I will create that space within myself, so I can always be the wild and free and true me, even within my own mind, without always trying to adjust to fit my outside circumstances.
Last night, my best friend and I talked about what happiness meant to us. Even between two as close (and often as similar) as we, there are stark differences among the similarities. Happiness is such a personal matter, and I believe it's important to personalize and tailor your happiness to fit YOU. For me, happiness is a lot about being able to enjoy my own company and love my own self, regardless of what the world outside is trying to shake up in me. There's also a big component of wanting to help and inspire others to do the same- to recognize their own unique innate beauty and enjoy and love themselves. That's part of my recipe. I wonder- what's yours?
What does happiness mean to you? What lengths are you willing to go to to find, discover, or create that kind of happiness for yourself? I'd love to hear any insights you have in the comments below.
Wherever you are in you journey, please know that you are loved and appreciated for the unique YOU-ness that you contribute to this wild and lovely world. Thank you for being you. You are a gift. Please don't stop sharing your you!

With love,