Want to know a secret? I was afraid to even begin looking at 2012. In many ways, this year pushed me to the very brink of what I could handle, and was filled with such deep pain and transformation, that I didn't know what I could possibly say about it. At first glance, all I could see was the heartbreak and disappointment and was afraid to look too closely at it. But I picked up my pen and got to work on it, and I found that the more I wrote about it, the more everything about the year (including and especially the pain!) felt very very inspired and purposeful. I finally started to see how everything connected- how the moments that cleaved me in two prepared me for the great work of this year- rediscovering and recreating who I was. The dark moments created the opportunities for the greatest light, and the things that I treasure most about this year would not have been possible if I hadn't been broken first. It very much reminded me of the lessons I learned during the Kali meditation I wrote about in August! The process was eye- and heart-opening, exhausting, and so deeply powerful. The only thing left to do now is to tell you all about it!
2012 was the year that I was broken apart. And 2012 was the year that I rebuilt who I am into someone stronger, more powerful, more inspired, and more vibrant than ever before!
This time a year ago, I was feeling small and stifled and not living with the kind of joy that I deserve. I was struggling. I WAS very much in love and living with my absolute best friend (of 15 years) and twin soul, Eric. I WAS experiencing love and beauty and kindness and sweetness, BUT- and I didn't see this until now- my soul needed so much more in order to feel fulfilled and in line with my purpose! I was happy enough, things were going okay, but I didn't have the room I absolutely needed in order to learn and grow at the rate that was necessary. I felt stagnant. I couldn't put my finger on it yet, but I needed so much more.
I got exactly what I needed. And it DEVASTATED me.
Early in March, my best friend and love ended our romantic relationship. I was crushed. This was someone I'd been in love with on and off for 15 years. This was my best friend in the world, the person I could tell anything to, share everything with, the person I loved seeing first thing in the morning and last thing at night, my partner in crime and the heart of my life. I'd had many dreams for our future. It's always a bit devastating when dreams die. He'd wanted me to continue living with him in the resort city deep in the Utah mountains where lived, but I knew immediately that I needed my own space in order to process through my pain and let go. So I chose instead to move into my parent's (quite spacious) basement- an hour and a half away- and they (quite generously) took me in. I couldn't afford the commute (financially or energetically), so in the move, I ended up losing the job that I'd had. My parents are allergic to some animals, so I had to leave behind my beloved pets. I lost so much during that time- a love, a home, a job, a way of life, a sense of self. I had no idea how to move forward. I was goo.
I made new friends with some of the most inspiring and gorgeous souls I've ever met, and spent time cultivating my dear and treasured friendships with people that I've known for years. I read amazing books, listened to amazing music, saw amazing movies and had a blast spending time with my loved ones! I spent quite a bit of time alone as well, getting deeply in touch with my heart and soul's needs. I began taking better care of my body, getting on a healthy sleeping schedule for the first time in my life and starting to learn about the importance of self-care! I explored my spirituality, got in touch with the love and wisdom of my spirit guides, and learned many fascinating and life-changing things... I opened my heart and my mind wide enough to let in miracles, and they came flooding in! Don't get me wrong- the year was intensely challenging and filled with many moments of pain and doubt, moments when I was sure I wasn't going to make it- but then I'd get through it anyway and choose to learn from the pain, and the universe richly rewarded my perseverance.
At the Winter Solstice, I did a beautiful online ritual with the talented and inspired Sage Goddess and, in meditation, my spirit guides told me that the time for being goo in a chrysallis was over- now is the time for me to step outside into my full power and become the goddess-woman that I'm meant to be, strong enough to share my gifts with and begin to bless the world! 2013 is going to be another epic year for me, and I know already that it will push me to the brink of what I can handle, BUT this time I know going in that I will only discover that I'm so much stronger than I'd ever imagined and that I have the capability to learn from darkness and emerge with more wisdom and compassion- that these are part of my gifts. An excerpt from my 2013 workbook: "I learned that I am truly a goddess with gifts to share and a purpose for being on this earth! I learned deeply the power of positive feminine relationships- how they can heal and inspire! I learned that I can have my heart broken apart and lose my entire sense of self and still live and learn and become even more!" I feel ready now to step forward into a beautiful future and to create my incredible and magical 2013!
To you, dear readers, thank you for being part of this incredible journey that I've been on- through darkness and light, you have been there, offering words of support and encouragement and being my inspiration for sharing this crazy road that i'm on. You have shared your thoughts and your stories with me through comments and messages, and I could not be more honored to share this space with you. Here's to honoring the year that has been- and here's to celebrating the amazing year to come! I hope you'll continue to check in with me to see what comes next, and I hope that you'll share YOUR journey with the rest of us as well! Remember, who you are is a unique and beautiful gift- don't be afraid to shine and share it with the world!
With so much love and good wishes for all of us, and with more gratitude than you will ever know,
Lindsay
PS- If you would like to learn more about the Create Your Incredible Year Workbook and Planners (Life and Business editions!) by the inspired Leonie Dawson, please click here! You will find pages and pages of gorgeous, inspiring questions that will guide you to create your most vibrant and soulful year yet! (The link I posted is an affiliate link, which means that if her work resonates with you and you feel called to get these books for your own, I will receive a portion of the proceeds- and everyone wins! However, if for some reason affiliate links rub you the wrong way, please instead check out: http://leoniedawson.com/shop/kits/incredible-year-workbook-calendar/ . I'd hate for anyone to miss out on this remarkable opportunity to learn more about yourself and your power to create the life of your dreams! Here's to a gorgeous 2013!